Helpers are often motivated to relieve suffering. Yet, as we get more and more engaged in our work or volunteer projects, we often learn any of the following

-the scale of suffering is bigger/more complicated than we knew or imagined; and it is increasing

-we have more to learn that we thought- sometimes it seems there is too much to learn

-our collective approach is not as effective as we hoped

-the historic roots and current context producing suffering is more entrenched than we realized

-depending on positionality we are more implicated in others suffering than we realised. The arms length separation we’ve attempted to maintain between ourselves and ‘those who suffer’ turns out to be a kind of fake protection that stymies connection, trust, and whats really needed- solidarity.

Not attending to grief related to our own losses sets us up for reactivity, but also an atrophied experience of life and fewer points of potential connection with others. Not attending to the grief that is a part of change work sets us up for the same, but also, at worst, martyrdom, exploitation of those who report to us, and the individualization of effort that is actually everyone’s responsibility.

It is difficult, in our professional and personal contexts to be real with anyone about what we are seeing and experiencing, and the questions we have in response.

Very few workplaces are actually safe spaces for open sharing, or are actually ok with any employee making a mistake- whether or not they promise ‘trauma informed practice’, grief support, and otherwise.

At home and with friends, the people that we know have their own struggles, values and questions. We are lucky for others’ unconditional love, yet the people who mean most to us may not share or be as interested in the questions that are burning for us. They may not have the skills needed to help us inquire deeply into a matter of concern.

We can do a lot on our own- dive into research, follow social media accounts that articulate our interests, even learn new practices from books or podcasts that help metabolize intensity.

Yet, what we really need is to develop and sustain relationships that can support experiences of loss, deep inquiry, and personal and collective transformation. Indeed the kind of change we need requires risking sharing our experience with others, helping to hold what others are going through, and finding ways to move forward together.

As access to information has become democratized, many of us have become skilled in all manner of ‘speak’. Social justice speak, therapy speak, political economy speak, you get it. For many, ‘awareness’ levels feel off the charts. All the same, many of us don’t feel much further along when it comes to making change. What’s more, we may feel we are near drowning in facts- the volume of information itself becoming burdensome, weighing down our efforts rather than simply informing them.

Touching into deep issues- identity, what we know and how we know it, or even noticing just more surface type stuff- you notice that your formulas for getting things done aren’t as effective as you thought, or people aren’t responding in the ways you want or hope they will respond. All of these invite a pause and space to unravel how this has come to be- and what other options are available.

Speaking and Listening Practice has been a core part of the teaching work I’ve been doing for over five years. It works on us collectively and individually in incredible ways. Individuals learn more patience with themselves and others, increase their ability to welcome and hold complexity while maintaining a sense of one’s own position, and increase trust in their own ability to represent themselves. Likewise, groups increase their tolerance for a diversity of experience and opinion among members of a group, ease with individuals changing their minds, and grace (with accountability) regarding mistakes. Indeed, a dark horse benefit of working with practice is ease with the reality of making mistakes; following up and being accountable, and trying again- without the rigidity of specific protocols about ‘what an apology looks like’.

Your workplace is working at the very edge of an issue, often with complexity that feels more difficult than before.

When the people we serve are teaching us how to do our jobs every day, staff need space to work responsively, to try new things in the moment, and to reflect afterwards on approach and lessons learned. Making has to be a part of this story.

Have you tried expecting mistakes, rather than perfection? It takes the pressure out of relationships, and makes the work of repair easier when we do mess up. If making mistakes is expected as a part of trying, then following up after mistakes is also expected, normal, just a part of the run of things.

We can even plan for the inevitability of repair; and improve its chances of success; the chance that we can come out with an even stronger sense of trust with ourselves and others; and that others will be more likely to feel good about repairing with us.

Can you make your choices now improve possibilities for relationship after today, rather than constrain them? Improve chances of repair when mistakes happen? This is the key idea I want us to keep in mind when working with those who need your services, but might be barred access because of behaviour. But it also feels like the right approach in most areas of relationship, and involves layers of depth for a pretty simple idea.

Finally, the outcomes of the efforts of repair, like any relational matter, are out of our control. We can put our best foot forward, put in good faith effort- and we can never know how the other person will experience us, respond, what their desires and opinions will be. We can never know how our relationship or their regard for us will turn out. It is a true test of the work of process, not outcome. And while I may not be able to predict all the ways that I will mess up in relationship this week, there are a lot of ways I can practice giving up control; committing to a process without an outcome; seeing how one direction of creative problem solving goes, and then trying another pathway. With this attitude, we become more adaptable, and more able to find the pathways that could work; and less tied to old mistakes, ideas, and experiments.